Worrying rise in sobriety

As I poured the last of the vodka on to my morning cornflakes today, I wondered if people properly understood the dangers of sobriety. Recent years have seen a disturbing trend of people awakening from their nightly slumbers without the comforting reminder of our own mortality, that a headache and a mounting collection of inexplicable bruises, provides. More and more people are opting to say "No thanks, I'm driving" or "just a coke for me please" and the government seems powerless to stop them. Indeed conspiracy theorists may suspect that the sober mafia have infiltrated our own houses of parliament, this once booze friendly mecca of fun and frolics has been converted to normal working hours, whatever that means.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not some kind of party pooper, indeed in my youth I was once guilty, in a fit of exuberance, of turning down a pint of beer. I know the temptations of the sober side, the feeling of exaltation you get from walking in a straight line, the giddy thrill of a glass of water. But sobriety has consequences. Just yesterday there wasn't a multi lane pile up on the M6 because everybody forgot to get shitfaced; three TV stations were deprived of vital news and had to fill the time with a story about rabbits covered in butter. Last week a man was able to walk safely through the streets of London at night and crowds of youths merely looked at him disinterestedly. The cause? Nobody was getting completely trolleyed on cheap cider and working themselves into a blind fury. Tonight that man is still on the streets, thanks to sobriety.

Some people say you can't have any fun being drunk all the time. They couldn't be more wrong, what of the little pleasures found in nutting pensioners who look at you funny? The quiet satisfaction of a good splatter pattern achieved, as you are sick on your girlfriend's shoes? And the utter delight of losing all memory of your sad, stupid life as you wallow in the arms of beer? No, being pissed is plenty of fun enough on its on without having to spice it up with a little bit of tee totalism.

Remember kids, Just say "Mine's a double vodka".